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P.K. Winsome
Percy Kittens "P.K." Winsome is Stephen's favorite black Republican, and an entrepreneur. PK is now in talks with Comedy Central to take over as host of the show when Colbert leaves for the Late Show. Winsome is a fine example of a black Republican, and - aside from Condoleezza Rice and maybe Colin Powell - is, in fact truthiness , the only black Republican known to exist today. The population, as a whole, refuse to admit the existence of Alan Keyes. As of November 30, 2006, P.K. Winsome has made three appearances on The Colbert Report: one in the studio talking to Stephen about the Midterm Midtacular , another video appearance of him advising Harlem residents to vote Republican before the 2006 midterm elections and once more to discuss the racist misunderstood remarks by Michael Richards. He may, in fact, be Dr. Colbert's new black friend. Birth and Childhood If Ann Richards of Texas had been paying attention to the meteoric life of P.K. Winsome, she would say that he was born with a silver foot in his mouth. However, Richards would have been wrong. Perhaps there was a silver spoon there, but Winsome was born with all of his limbs perfectly shaped and positioned. His black father was a wealthy businessman and his black mother was a wealthy schoolteacher. P.K.'s Language Virtuosity Winsome grew up quickly. He was able to speak mostly fluent American by the age of ten months and was fluent in Jive by sixteen months. By age three, he had added English, Russian, and Swahili to his growing arsenal of languages; by age ten, he could speak German, Gaelic, Finnish, Esperanto, Japanese, Chinese, Klingon, and Sindarin as well. P.K.'s Piano Fluency At age six, he performed an original piano concerto in front of an audience of twenty at his first recital; within a year, he was accepting requests to perform at concert halls across the world. His classical tour lasted six months and took him from New York City to Boston to Los Angeles to Houston to London to Shanghai to Sydney to Cape Town (the last stop is sketchy and records are poor, leaving many doubtful that it actually happened). P.K. Glances Greatness By the time that he was twelve, Winsome had established himself as a fashion and apparel designer around his local neighborhood of Harlem. He was an avid fan of basketball, although he never made any of the area teams. He theorized that the captains of the teams were simply jealous of his obvious intellectual ability and his capacity for greatness. He received straight 5.0 GPA reports through high school and attended Yale University, where he met George W. Bush - future President of the United States of America - and was firmly entrenched into Republican politics. He had always identified with conservative viewpoints and grew up watching Strom Thurmond and Joseph McCarthy on the television, but Bush convinced him that to be a Republican was to hold the absolute moral majority. He vowed to never abandon his party regardless of what happened. P.K. & Watergate Five years later, the story of the Watergate scandal broke, but Winsome stuck to his guns and stood by his president, Richard Nixon. He famously said, "You can choose a fancy court with some activist judges. If you choose not to decide, you haven't made a choice. You can choose from pointless laws and evil that destroys. I'' will choose a path that's clear: I will stay the course." Noteworthy in this prodigious development is the oddity of Winsome not being completely potty-trained until he was six and a half years old. Life as P.K. Winsome Since the age of nine (when he had his first fling), P.K. Winsome had been a ladies' man. He developed a reputation around the world as a suave swinger. Millions of boys and men across the continents sought to imitate him. It has been theorized that his obvious wit and charm that commanded such attention from women inspired the Islamic Revolution when some wacko Arab and Persian princes frustrated by their inability to "get some" and their complete lack of flirting skills decided to band together and ''force women to obey them. The downside was that they had to wear covering burqas (like Meg wears now) and the princes couldn't behold their natural feminine hotness, but what a small price to pay for getting them to shut up for five minutes, huh? Am I right, fellas? It came as a surprise, then, when a 29-year-old P.K. Winsome announced his marriage to a woman by the name of Helen Thomas. It came as slightly less of a surprise when a 33-year-old P.K. Winsome, still happily wed to Thomas, announced his second marriage to Margaret Thatcher. It was even less surprising when he announced his third marriage to Nancy Grace at age 36. The United States government lacked the proper motivation to prosecute Winsome for polygamy, just as it lacks the proper motivation to prosecute the Mormons in Utah, Nevada, Idaho, New Mexico, Arizona, and California for polygamy. They knew which side their bread was buttered on; over 70% of government employees were regular customers of at least one of Winsome's chains and regular consumers of his merchandise. One of Winsome's strongest alliances is with Ted, the most conservative cameraman in C-SPAN. Ted makes a strong effort to include Winsome in as many shots as he can manage with other Republicans, usually applauding speeches made by President George W. Bush, Rick Santorum, and other heroes and veterans of the GOP. Another of P.K. Winsome's close friends is Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., whom he met at a golf club. Winsome's recent appearances on his hit show The Colbert Report have prompted many to wonder if Dr. Colbert has finally replaced his treacherous, liberal-skewed former black friend Alan with the much more cultured, successful, and conservative Winsome. P.K. and The Ladies As soon as P.K. Winsome realized that Helen Thomas, his first wife, was a total hag in terms of personality, he divorced her. The shock of losing such a handsome black man as P.K. Winsome devastated Thomas, and her exterior appearance began to molt to reflect the abhorrent personality that had prompted Winsome to dump her hairy ass. His second wife, Margaret Thatcher, was soon elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. Although Winsome established a residence in the U.K., he found it increasingly difficult to communicate with her. She was growing more British with every second that she spent on the British Isles, and Winsome considered himself fortunate to be a fluent speaker of English (as well as Gaelic, which occasionally came in handy). In the end, though, the divisions grew too great to cross, and Winsome and Prime Minister Thatcher parted on good terms. Nancy Grace, his third wife, gave birth to a son named Willis W. Winsome when P.K. Winsome was 46 years of age. In a fit of psychotic rage that the child had not been a girl, she murdered her own son and attacked her husband with a rusty meat cleaver. Using the judo skills that he had learned from Vladimir Putin during his time in Soviet Russia, Winsome disarmed and defeated his insane wife. She filed for divorce the next day, and Winsome did not challenge. The following week, Winsome married again to a graduate of P.K. Winsome's Camp for Young Girls of High Caliber and decided to live in happy monogamy. P.K.'s Enterprises Winsome, known internationally as one of the world's great entrepreneurs, has operated P.K. Winsome's Camp for Young Girls of High Caliber since he was 26 years of age. His other notable business enterprises include P.K.'s Costume Castle chain, P.K's Pancakery (which has a brunch special that goes to 4:00 p.m.), the P.K. Winsome's Upliftables series of motivational speeches, and P.K.'s Protein Shake, which is delicious. Recently P.K. announced great pricing on the Motorola RAZR V3i at P.K. Winsome's Cell Phone Emporium in the Old Orchard Mall in Skokie, Illinois. Another great project that Winsome has started is the The P.K. Winsome Foundation. News of a merger with the Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation is expected to break shortly. For the 2006 Christmas season, P.K. has announced that TV funnyman Michael Richards will be appearing in the P.K. Winsome Home For The Holiday Christmas Spectacular in Lansing, Michigan. P.K. Winsome is also active in Republican politics and is running for lieutenant governor in some state where he owns a home. In fact, Winsome owns a home in all fifty states and has since he was 39 years old, when he finally and reluctantly commissioned a home in Portland, Oregon. He also owns a home in several places that aren't states, such as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, Palau, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, Australia, Israel, and the Colbert Nation. P.K. Winsome, Author P.K. recently completed work on his book "If I Did It" in which he shares how he would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. P.K. Winsome, Political Philosopher P.K. Winsome supports the Republican Party because it reaches out to minorities. While Democrats founded the Ku Klux Klan and passed the Jim Crow laws, the Republicans have always supported black people. He wants to help his fellow blacks understand this, but his attempt to rally support in his local neighborhood of Harlem could not keep the Democrats from hacking the Diebold voting machines and taking control of Congress. However, Winsome understands when it's time to reach across the aisle. Girls like it when he reaches across the aisle...oh yeah... See Also * Roots * Black * Black Friend